


You are my sunshine

by Weiru



Series: Haikyuu vent fics [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depressed Hinata Shouyou, Depression, Hinata needs a hug, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, References to Depression, Sad Hinata Shouyou, Self Harm References, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Trigger Warnings, vent fic, very quick reference to abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23959855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weiru/pseuds/Weiru
Summary: Hinata stepped through the door of his bedroom with a fake smile on his face. But noone really cared enough to look for the signs that he wasnt okay. The shine in his eyes were gone and now all that was left was barely held back tears and shaky hands.They say eyes are the windows to the souls so why did noone see how broken he was?
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma
Series: Haikyuu vent fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727368
Comments: 18
Kudos: 282





	You are my sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> Guys this is your last warning to turn back. Please do not read if you get trigged by the following:  
> Suicidal thoughts  
> Depression  
> Self harm  
> Abuse (only referenced in a sentence near the end). 
> 
> I dont glorify depression, its not cute to have, i just write depressive fics as a way to get a hold over myself when im feeling low.

Hinata let out a shuddering breath while lying half enclosed in his blankets. It was night and so the lights were off, leaving him alone to his thoughts. He didn't know if he could call himself depressed since no matter what everyone called him 'sunshine' and had the impression that he was constantly happy and full of energy. 

How ironic that they called him that and yet when he was alone all he wanted to do was stop breathing. Hinata couldnt put into words exactly how he felt but all he knew was that he wanted to cry all the time. It was a suffocating feeling of constant sadness and feeling as if something was missing within him, he didn’t feel like a person anymore.

Silent tears streaming down his face was an everyday occurrence and he learned how to cry without any sounds. At night was when he was at his most vulnerable and the negative thoughts in his head overwhelmed him and left him with a clarity like no other.

Noone really cared about him, what they saw on the outside wasnt how he was inside but they never really looked properly. He had expected anyone from his team to see the signs that he was feeling low, the anxiety before matches wasnt just the jitters of facing a new and more powerful opponent.

Hinata knew that it was the thought that he would become useless to the team was the real issue. The thought persisted in his head that if he couldn’t jump as high as they wanted that he would just be discarded and that thought never failed to leave him in tears and shaking. 

The feeling of inadequacy was strong and left him winded when it hit him especially at the moments when he least expected it. He could be mid way through laughing when the feeling that he wasnt good enough washed over him. Hinata hated the fact that he talked so much and even while he speaks all he wants to do it be quiet. 

Being called annoying hurt more than it showed and worst of all when he was called an idiot. He knew he wasn't academically smart but it wasnt as if he didn't try. Hinata could remember all the days he spent sitting at his desk with tears his eyes as he hunched over countless math problems.

The numerous hours and money that he spent buying and learning off textbooks only to come out of it with worse grades than ever. He would get panic attacks at seeing yet another bad grade even after all the hard work he put into learning each and every topic. 

It was the feeling of humiliation that trapped him from defending himself and the voices that would call him incompetent. All the meetings his parents had with his teachers and the embarrassment of not being able to solve problems in class left him feeling more of a failure everyday.

He was tired of having to explain that he just couldn’t do it and it wasnt just that he didn’t want to. Rather than explaining that he put in the work, he could rather pretend that he didn't try at all. After all it would hurt less if he didn't remind himself that no matter how hard he tried he just wasnt good enough. 

It was better to let them assume that he was an idiot rather than let them know that he actually tries and still couldn’t equate to anything.

Moments where he was alone with his thoughts he realized how much he hated himself and even more so how much he wanted to die. It was hard to get up every morning and know that if you werent there noone would message and ask if you were okay. 

Sure they could pretend to care but whenever he scrolled through his messages it was always a one sided conversation. Their one words to his multiple lined texts filled with hope that they would care about what he was talking about. 

They never cared enough to listen and ultimately left him on read. The only person who has never done that to him was Kenma but they didn't live close to eachother so there was no way that he could ever care about Hinata. There was a part of his brain that the knew that the only thing Kenma probably cared about was his games and would trade him out for the newest game if he could. 

He wanted nothing else but to sit down and lock all his feeling back but the last time he tried that it left him disassociated and feeling like an alien in his body. The feeling of disassociation was the worst thing he has ever encounted and it made him feel like he was slowly being driven insane. 

To feel as if you are just in a movie watching your life go by left him feeling more and more empty as the days went by. He could never put into words how bad he felt waking up and some nights he just wasnt able to sleep and instead would spend hours staring at the wall. Hinata began to care less and less about what happened to his body in these moments. 

He could dive to the floor during volleyball practice without any care of how much his arms and legs were already covered in bruises. When his legs shook due to how painful and exhausting it was to hold himself up he just laughed it off and tensed up to jump once more. Not that they noticed, all they wanted was for him to jump and make the shot. 

It was all he had at this point, the only thing that made him feel as if he could be useful for once but the cheers for his team could make him feel good for a while before he had to get changed and go home. 

The high that he got from the praise was momentary and it left him wanting more and more of it but it would end up leaving him feeling even more detached. Hinata had contemplated telling his family about how hes feeling but the thought of exposing how empty he felt left him feeling more and more as if something was wrong with him. 

Having depression wasnt something that was easily accepted and Hinata had seen multiple cases where their depression had gotten even worse as people were wary of approaching and joking around with them. Worst of all it would make him feel as if there was really something wrong with him afterall. More tears slid down his face and his hand came up to cover his mouth and nose to stop any shuddering breaths from escaping.

Hinata knew that he couldn’t show how he felt but even if crying was a sign of weakness, he was already weak and the tears helped pull himself together. He had contemplated self harm before, it didn’t interest him at first because it would be admitting to himself that something was wrong with him. 

The more and more the days progressed the more and more he was thinking about it. Hinata remembered the day that he snapped, it was the day when his hits began to get blocked. The thought of getting replaced on the team left him delirious and in that moment he gave in to his desires. The first cut was small on the top of his thighs and then it progressively got larger and larger everyday from where he would add to it. 

Hinata still wasnt sure if he was allowed to call himself depressed. He wasnt in an abusive household, he wasnt in any financial struggle, he wasnt being bullied and in everyone else’s eyes he was happy. 

He felt like a fake if he called himself depressed when there was people in the world who had it much worse than him. 

Hinata wasnt sure how long he could pretend to be okay, he really didn’t think he could last longer than a year if this continued. He knew it was selfish but he no longer wanted to live. His family might be sad for a while, a week maximum but they would get over it. 

They seemed to forget that he was there anyways. It was better this way, if he went through with it then it would be alright for natsu too. She would be too young to even remember him once she grew up so she wouldn’t care. Hinata cluched on the blanket tightly with one fist and brought it up to his face to wipe of his tears.

It was nearing the time for school and with that thought he threw the blanket off his body and prepared to go to school. When he took a look in a mirror all he could see was a pale and washed out version of what everyone perceived him to be.

He washed his face roughly and brushed his teeth before sitting infront of the mirror in his room. Hinata took out the brush and began to work through the tangles in his hair before moving on to add oil throughout the ends of his hair. No matter how he felt inside he knew that if he didn’t keep up the persona that everything was alright, there would be questions. 

Ones that he wouldnt be able to answer without sobs breaking through his barriers. Picking up the concealer, hinata began to apply it underneath his eyes and began to blend it in to mask the shadow of yet another day without sleep. He added powder to it and waited a while before dusting it off.

Today he could already tell was going to be a bad day and as he put on his uniform and packed up his volleyball uniform in his practice bag. Hinata stepped through the door of his bedroom with a fake smile on his face. 

But noone really cared enough to look for the signs that he wasnt okay. The shine in his eyes were gone and now all that was left was barely held back tears and shaky hands.

They say eyes are the windows to the souls so why did noone see how broken he was?

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this story and let me know that you think. Comments and kudos let me know what type of content you like. Ive got about 12 fics in this fandom that i havent uploades yet because im working on them bit by bit. 
> 
> If there are any mistakes or mistypying sorry! I wrote this staying up and i have no energy to look at it now. Ill probably edit this when i wake up.
> 
> Edit:im kinda embarrassed about this fic so i might either orphan it or delete it soon. Ill wait a week and see if i still like it before doing that thou.
> 
> 2nd edit: okay it seems that yall are liking this so im gonna keep it up. Thank you for the nice comments i really appreciate it!


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